Especially for Kids
Brain Cases
You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected. But you did get a brain that day. The problem is that you should have asked for one to go. You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out. When they were handing out brains you arrived too late. All you got was a rain check. They just ran out of brains by the time you got there, so they gave you a nice wood carving instead. When they were handing out brains, you were the first in the queue. You held the door open for the rest of us. You didn't get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them. You got your brain first when they were handing them out in alphabetical order; A for "Aardvark"
Let's Face Facts
Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop. Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and several herds of charging elephants. If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat. If you put your face by a door, nobody would ever come in. Your face is such a mess. You should stop using it to hammer in nails. Your face doesn't look like a doorstop. It looks like the door just kept going. Your face is such a mess. You should stop reading before slamming the book shut. Your face is such a mess. Why don't you get your dog something different to chew on? Your face is such a mess. When you practice diving, why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time. Your face is very becoming. It's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.
Where were you when they gave out...
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds. You said, "I'd like something soft." When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, You said, "Make mine oatmeal." When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses. You said, "Give me a big red one." When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds. You said, "I'd like a nice big wooden one." When they were giving out looks, you thought they said book. You said, "Give me something funny." When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes. You said, "I won't need one of those," When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses. You said, "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit." When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases. You said, "I'd like one made of leather." When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads. You said, "I'd like mine nice and doughy."
Get Lost!
If I said anything to offend you, it was purely intentional. You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area. I don't take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone. Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things. Don't worry about it. I've never listened to a thing you've said since the day I met you. Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense. I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now. It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts, and I know there's never any thought behind anything you say. I wouldn't get angry at you today. It's "Be kind to Animals" week.
Where HAVE I seen you before?
You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade? I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts. I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it. I know you're trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging. That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet. You look familiar too, but that's not surprising. I collect bugs for a hobby. You look familiar too. Have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden? Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?
To contact Gil just click here to e-mail.
Updated: April 14, 2010
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